the funny thing about being infertile...it's not funny

okay, another infertility book report...the last one, i promise...

i'm at the library and i see this book called a few good eggs written by two women who've personally experienced infertility...they promote their book as a "funny/witty girlfriend's guide to infertility"...my girlfriends make me laugh...maybe this book will make me laugh. i'm looking for a laugh...i NEED to laugh about being infertile...SOMETHING has to be funny about being infertile...if i can laugh about it, it'll be easier to deal...right???

i check it out and immediately begin reading it when i get home...thirty minutes later...i'm sobbing and i decide that there's NOTHING funny about being infertile...NOTHING. they tried to make it funny, but it just wasn't.

the whole book is about how women waste their "fertile" years by getting an education and establishing their careers and then when they're ready to get pregnant...they can't. it was the MOST depressing infertility book i've ever read...i do not recommend it...AT ALL...it was even worse than the "happy crack" book i wrote about many blogs ago.

a few things to note at this point:

1. i am already painfully aware of most of the information found in this book...the statistics, the probabilities, the problems and procedures. it did not help to hear all of that depressing stuff...AGAIN!

2. the authors of this book do not claim to be looking at this issue from a God-centered point of view...therefore, the book was depressing...therefore, the book was hopeless...hope-less!!! i just so happen to love a God of wonder and miracles...and better yet, HE loves ME! so the statistics, probabilities, problems and procedures mean NOTHING to Him...and therefore, they mean nothing to me.

the funny thing about being infertile...is that it's not funny...and that's okay. i think what i was really looking for was comfort and i think i'll look for that in the BIBLE!

"i love the Lord because He hears my voice and my supplications. because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore i shall call upon Him as long as i live." psalm 116:1-2, 7

where has it all gone?!!

sad news today...our motherboard died. i just left the computer repair store...the man tells me..."it doesn't look good. i'll recover what i can." i cannot express to you the panic i am feeling at this moment. i had valuable, precious information on that computer...not to mention pictures...ALL of my pictures that i had yet to print out. i am trying to remain calm...trying to remember that they're just pictures/music/word documents/excel documents. in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal. merely an inconvenience...an inconvenience that sucks!!!

a few weeks ago when we first noticed that motherboard was not long for this world, we bought a portable hard drive and we backed up most of our things...but i'll still lose many of the things listed above...including my address book...so, please send me your home addresses and phone numbers.

i am blogging from the public library...and for a semi-germaphobe, it's difficult to know that i'm touching countless runny nose/flu infested/who-knows-what-else fingers. i'll just not think about that right now. i'll just be thankful that i can still be connected to the "world"...my little internet "world". i KNEW years ago that it was a mistake to become dependent on technology.

stupid computers...

too much fun...

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

pretty in pink...

this is for aunt katie...can you see the pink collar???

for the love of...my tennis shoes...

these are my most favorite tennis shoes EVER...i've had them for 6 years...bought them when i first started teaching and wore them almost everyday...they're falling apart, give me blisters, but i will NOT throw them away...cannot find a similar pair to replace them...so...

i've found another ingenious use for duct tape...

no good will ever come of it...

here's my latest baking attempt...not baking exactly...they're supposed to be "no-bake" cookies...they just sort of melded into one big, nasty-looking blob of chocolatey/oatmealy/sugary goodness...

they sort of look like the buffalo chips from a few blogs ago...taste great...nothing like a buffalo chip...but look AWFUL!!!

no, i've never acutally tasted a buffalo chip...

no good will ever come of me entering my kitchen...i think i'll quit going in there...

i feel so green!!!

out with the old...

in with the new...

posse 07

picnic on the potomac...

janelle's very own battle of the bulge...

so tired...

me...at the president's house...

until next time...

in a pit with a lion on a snowy day...

if ya'll haven't read this book, you should. the guy who wrote it seems like a brainiac...i didn't understand half of the "smart person" stuff he wrote about...but, bottom line, he's so right on about so many things. read the book and i guarantee you'll be ready to go look for your lion and kick its booty!!!

my lion has been after me for about two years...and as a normal, right-minded person, i've been laying low just waiting for it to get tired of chasing me...alas, it has unending amounts of energy. but after reading this book, i didn't want it to stop chasing me...i was ready...dare i say excited...to chase my lion, for a change, and tie a knot in its tail!!!

for the first time in two years, i don't feel like asking God for a baby. i feel like asking God to give me new perspective and strength to face this lion. i feel like asking God to use me, to provide opportunities to use my pain for another's benefit. i want to face this lion named "infertility" and defeat it, obliterate it...i want the "W". so, i've decided...

to lock eyes with this lion...the jealousy and discontent...and put it in its place...
to be happy NOW...
to reframe my perspective...to explain my circumstances to myself in a different way...
to persevere...and dream bigger and different things..."God" things...
to truly worship...forgetting what's wrong with me and remembering what's right with God...

this reads like a book report, huh??? remember reading rainbow? the part of the show where the kids talk about books they've read...and they end by saying, "...but don't take my word for it." anyway, read it...it's by mark batterson...

bridge over troubled water...troubled bridge over water...

thanks to all who were concerned for us...we love you!!!

where the buffalo and prairie dogs play...

pictures from our trip to the badlands and the black hills in south dakota...

lucy's first vacation...

the badlands...

matt on jackalope...

custer state park...

matt's family plays this game when they travel...when you see a wild animal, you make the animal's noise and you are awarded points according to how difficult it is to find said animal in the wild. i SUCKED at this game...the only "things" i seemed to spot were piles of buffalo poo...

lucy enjoying the view...

crazy horse...

mt. rushmore...

wind cave...great cave as caves go...but VERY boring tour!!!

buffalo walking down the middle of the road...

20+10

i will be 20+10 on sunday...forever after known as "black sunday". horror of horrors...i'm already that "old" person i never thought i'd be. remember when thirty seemed ancient?!! i'll paraphrase a quote from the movie "pretty in pink"...we should start old and grow young...you never appreciate what you have when you have it...and my youth is gone and now i'm old. nothing left for me to do but rot and die. a bit dramatic, i realize...

so, a list of things i want to do before i actually accomplish the rotting and dying:
1. i want to write a book...nothing ambitious like the great american novel...just a book...maybe a pamphlet...a brochure. nothing successful...i hate people paying me attention.
2. i want to be on jeopardy and actually be smart enough to win...maybe just that "cash cab" show...i usually know most of those answers.
3. i want to do the iron man triathalon...well, maybe just a marathon...i could do the biking and running part of the triathalon, but the swimming part...i hate getting water in my ears. so, a marathon...or a half-marathon...yeah, that's more likely.
4. i want to knit a sweater or sew something easy...like curtains. i'd like to be just a tiny bit crafty someday.
5. i want to be a mom.

my brother has this weird age thing...let's say he's 35...when people ask him how old he is he says he's about 40...might as well be, right??? so, now that i'm 20+10 i might as well be 20+15...and 20+15 is half-way to 70 which is death...so with that logic i conclude that half of my life is over. DE-PRESS-ING!!! as i see it, any birthday past 18 is quite unnecessary.

moving...destination unknown

this has been our happy, little home for the past 12+ months...and we will happily be leaving it very soon!!! i (heart) minnesota...but i (heart) south carolina even more!!!

what i will miss about minnesota:

1. the snow...so beautiful!!!

2. the mall of america...could shopping get any better??? i submit that it could not!

3. ikea...who knew cheap, scandinavian furniture could be so addictive???

4. fried cheese curds...don't knock 'em til you try 'em.

5. the walking trails...there are miles and miles of trails throughout the city of faribault...great for exercise and walking/chasing the dog.

6. water aerobics with the little old ladies at the community center...not too much little or old about those ladies...a bunch of sweet, tough girls!

7. a TARGET about every five miles...it has been super great having my happy place so easily accessible!!!

8. our church...wonderful pastor, wonderful worship!

9. matt's 5-10 minute commute...compared to the 40+ minutes it took him to get to and from work in charlotte...

10. the great people matt works with...our almost weekly dinners were always highly enjoyable...

what i will NOT miss about minnesota:

1. the snow...after the first two feet, it's not so much fun...and digging my car out...don't even get me started...

2. the butt cold temperatures...it's bad when you're watching the weather channel and you get excited when the temperatures leave the single digits..."it's going to be 15 degrees out today!"

3. the trains...in the picture above, you see matt and lucy...just behind them...20-30 yards...there's a train track...so annoying, so loud!!!

4. the mean northerners...can't wait to get back to the south where you cannot get through the grocery store without having some sort of conversation with a complete stranger...and this is coming from one of the most introverted people ever!

5. lugging groceries up to the third floor...

6. taking lucy out to do her business...down the stairs, across the parking lot, pick up the poo while stepping on other dogs' poo because their owners didn't pick it up, back up the stairs...

7. the mean dog lady down the hallway...

8. the mean apartment manager...

9. our neighbors upstairs...they play the same song over and over...steve miller band's "the joker"...they drop books or weights on the floor...and sunday afternoons, i won't tell you what we hear...let me just say..."ewwww, gross!!!"

10. the apartment quality appliances...i miss my flat-top stove and microwave and my washer and dryer...

i'm so excited to get back to our house and our stuff...i miss our yard and our garage and our ceiling fans and my pink bathroom...i cannot wait to go home!!!

i (heart) minnesota...part 5...the last one, i promise

the view from honeymoon bluff...

katie at honeymoon bluff...in my sweatshirt...wink, wink, little sister...

outside of world's best donuts...one word...yum!

the moose...one of two that we saw...i'm not too good at night time photography with my digital camera...

the spring...best and coldest water ever!

i (heart) minnesota...part 4

here's dad and matthew building the pier...i took a picture before this one...they told me to take another one so that they could suck in their guts and look macho...silly boys!

here's katie...being katie. she wore dad's galoshes so she wouldn't have to put her feet into the frigid waters of clearwater lake...seriously, i'm sure the water was below zero degrees!

the finished product...

dad and matthew enjoying the view...notice that this day they're wearing much different amounts of clothing...the temperature changes were extreme...

i (heart) minnesota...part 3

down, but not defeated...we tried again the next day...successfully, i might add...we didn't find the path...we just bush-whacked our way up and arrived at the top...to find a nice group of men who had taken a nice leisurely walk up to the top of the bluffs...on the PATH that we, again, had failed to find. they commented, "we heard you coming up the side and wondered how in the world you were doing it." we decided to follow the men down the bluffs...on the path...

i must say...we have a better story than they do...

katie...determined to see the top...

beautiful, gorgeous, wish you were here...

dad and his boy...

i (heart) minnesota...part 2

we spent our first day trying to climb the bluffs seen in the picture below. we'd climbed the bluffs before...matthew and i as kids, dad and mom-who knows how many times, even katie--mom was pregnant with her on one of her journeys up the bluff-side...and we all had the same memory of it being a fairly easy climb-a nice, gently sloping incline straight to the top.

here's katie anxiously anticipating the views from the top...

the bluffs...our goal: the trees at the very top...

here we are making a hasty retreat back DOWN the bluffs...

before we left the boat dock at the lodge, dad's cousin told us there was a very clear path to the top. after looking for mentioned path for almost two hours and after many falls, scrapes, and branches whacking us in the face, we admitted defeat and made our way back down to our boat.

i (heart) minnesota...part 1

have been trying to post these pictures since sunday...spent a week with my family (minus my husband) up in the boundary waters canoeing area. my dad's cousin owns a lodge and several cabins on clearwater lake. dad goes up each spring to help mike, his cousin, with building projects...this year he built a pier with the help of my brother...they have mad construction skills...

this is the lodge...

this was our cabin...

a sunset view from the balcony of our cabin...

the Bible and the blind girl

from hebrews 12:

...don't feel sorry for yourselves. or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? my dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. it's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. he's treating you as dear children. only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. would you prefer an irresponsible God? we respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? while we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. but God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. at the time, discipline isn't much fun. it always feels like it's going against the grain. later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

from ginny owens...an old favorite:

if you want me to

the pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i'm gonna walk through the valley
if you want me to

cause i'm not who i was
when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
then i will go through the fire
if you want me to

it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'll never go alone

so when the whole world turns against me
and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear you answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and i will go through the valley
if you want me to

they say people are strange...

funny girl...sleeps with her paw over her nose...no idea why...

words, words, words

taken from jennifer saake's book hannah's heart...best book i've read for coping with infertility...not the book by the happy-crack woman, by the way:

1. don't start a conversation with, "do you have children?" while innocent enough, such questions remind me of my less-than-ideal life circumstance. instead try, "tell me a little bit about yourself."
2. if you become pregnant, please consider how you tell me. i would like to work out my grief privately before joining you in your joy.
3. please don't give my husband a hard time by making jokes about "shooting blanks". infertility is a very private matter that can be highly embarrassing.
4. please don't tease us as a couple with comments like, "don't you two know how babies are made?" or, "it must be fun trying." yes, we do know how babies are made. and no, after a long period of "trying" we are probably very frustrated with "trying"...it's more stressful than fun.
5. "relaxing" and adoption are not cures for infertility.
6. please do not tell me that you just "know" that God will give us a baby unless you've had a definite revelation from God on the matter. the hard truth is that we may never have a child of our own.
7. children are a blessing from the Lord, but please don't make me feel cursed because i am unable to conceive.

a few of my own to add:
1. please don't complain about your children or tell me that i can have one or two of yours...first of all, you should be thanking God hourly/minutely for the children you have been blessed to have...and second, you don't really mean it. i know you love your children and that parenthood is exhausting-mentally, spiritually, physically. you have no idea what i would give to have your exhaustion, your struggles. if you have to complain, complain to a fellow parent...i'm just not a sympathetic audience.
2. do not tell me how easily you get pregnant...it's just annoying and seems very insensitive.
3. do not be surprised if i react strongly when i hear you're terminating your own fertility...on purpose. again, i'm not a sympathetic audience.
4. understand that on the subject of children...having them, raising them...i really have nothing to add to the conversation...and such conversations are particularly uncomfortable. i want to hear about your kids, but i also want to hear about you. it's a very isolating feeling...feeling like i have nothing to talk about with the people i consider closest to me...feeling like we have nothing in common anymore.

matt told me the other day that if i don't share with others what is hurtful...how will they know? i try to keep the following thought in my mind always: when you're in an emotionally painful situation, people say a lot of stupid things...all in the name of trying to be helpful or encouraging. many times, they fail MISERABLY...without even knowing it, they've made the wound a bit deeper. people just want to say the right thing...the thing that will make it all better, the thing that will ease your pain. so when the say the wrong thing, remember, they MEANT to say the right thing.

the dog, the husband, and me

Lucy...

Matt & Lucy...

Lucy & me...

faker-fraud and happy-crack

i told a friend recently that i couldn't have a blog because i didn't have children to blog about and who wants to hear about me and the husband and the dog??? bitter and ungrateful much? shame, shame, shame on me!!!

i also told this friend that i'd probably be too honest...but what's wrong with that??? truth is good, right? it sets you free...it also exposes you for the faker-fraud that you might be if the light of truth were to shine on your heart...even for just a second.

what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would sound like a bitter, ungrateful person...writing about what i really think and how i really feel. what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would expose myself...as bitter, ungrateful...weak...then everyone would know...and i'd be a bad christian...then would come the judgment, the chastisement. paranoid much???

most of you know that we've been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. obviously...unsuccessfully. thus the bitterness...and discontented, ungrateful spirit. add a little bit of jealousy/envy and anger and you have the truth...the whole truth and nothing but the truth. ugly-hearted much???

here's the good news...as hard as it has all been, i honestly would not change the past two years of my life...well, i would change how i've handled my emotions and reacted to my circumstances...but other than that... God is good. (period) He's brought this pain into my life for a reason...because He loves me. hard to wrap my mind around sometimes, but it's true nonetheless.

i love lists. my sister makes fun of me because i carry around a notebook almost at all times to "take notes" in...so, here's a list...not-at-all comprehensive...of what i've been learning/God's been showing me:

1. God does not owe me an explanation...i am not guaranteed a reason why.
2. God is good...He's still good even if i never get what i've been praying for.
3. i am not in control...even though i've tried to be...
4. God will do anything to get my attention...it would have been better to pay attention the first time i sensed He was after my heart.
5. God is big enough...He's big enough for my grief, He's big enough for my questions...He can handle all of it...and i don't have to handle it all on my own...when i am weak, He's strong...He's bigger than enough.
6. i am already INCREDIBLY blessed...i have ALL that i need...so, i will...or more honestly...i should be content.

and this is what i pray almost constantly:
1. that i would accept God's plan and trust that His plan is better than my own...so hard for my small mind to imagine...His plan is better?! DUH!!!
2. that i would choose contentment over jealousy/envy, bitterness, and anger.
3. that God and His plan would be more important to me than getting what i want.
4. that God would be praised...that i would continually offer my sacrifice of praise to Him.

i could quote a thousand verses that have brought me to where i am...but i'd basically be quoting...well, too much for me to regurgitate in a blog entry. just read your bible...it's all in there.

from a Max Lucado book...no idea which one:

"What if God says no? What if the request is delayed or even denied? If God says, 'I've given you My grace, and that is enough,' will you be content? Content. That's the word. A state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than He already has."

my youth pastor used to ask us that question...more or less. i couldn't answer it then...and i cannot answer it now without a lump forming in my throat. i wanna say, "yes, i'll be content." and i do say that i'll be content...i choose to be content. hopefully, one day, my heart will follow the dictate of my mouth...and i'll really FEEL content.

i read a book several weeks ago in which a woman called infertility a "blessing". my first thought: what kind of happy-crack is she smoking??? infertility is the most painful thing...EVER!!! a blessing??? she's just given me the fake, standard, happy-christian platitude that annoys me to no end.

but then...i already see all we've been through so far as good...i wouldn't change the past two years...i consider them a blessing because they've changed my life...in a good way. so, maybe she's right...maybe infertility is a blessing...to be determined...later...