say hello to my little friend

here's an actual picture of the gecko that lives downstairs. can you see him?

just another bump in the road

jeremiah 10:23

"we know, God, that mere mortals can't run their own lives, that men and women don't have what it takes to take charge of life (or, might i add, create it). so, correct us, God, as you see best."

a few weeks ago, i went to a fertility specialist...to get the IUI process going...to get the doctor's go-ahead to start all of the what-not involved with IUI...the meds, the timing, etc. while there, he asked if he could do an ultrasound...to have a look-see of my lady business...to make sure that i was good to go.

i didn't think he would find anything...i really thought it was just a routine thing he did before starting this particular infertility treatment.

he found something...he found evidence of endometriosis...and i don't mean to be melodramatic...but hearing that word..."ENDOMETRIOSIS"...i was devastated...again...because i knew what it was and i knew what it meant to my chances of having a baby.

the doctor and his nurse tried to reassure me..."you can still get pregnant. IVF is a great treatment option for you. don't give up." that made me cry even harder.

matt and i had just worked through the difficult decision of going ahead with IUI...taking both moral and financial issues into account...we felt like we'd made a good decision...and, as i've shared before, we felt like our decision was confirmed by the fact that we had 100% insurance coverage for the treatment option we'd choosen.

IUI...we had our heads around that treatment option...but IVF? we've agreed from the beginning that it was probably not a treatment option that we'd be willing to try...for moral reasons as well as financial reasons. financial reasons: it's super expensive...even with the great insurance coverages we have...and from the beginning we've agreed that we did not want to go into debt for this. moral reasons: we don't want a bunch of kids on ice...baby-sickles...and we don't want to create life in a way that might not be honoring or might be offensive to the Creator of life.

i left the doctor's office that day feeling as low as i've ever felt. if IVF was our only option...in my mind, it was over...time to give up.

matt and i talked about it that night...decided to pray about it and left it at that for a few days. to my surprise when we talked about it again, matt had decided that he wanted more information about IVF. could it be done in a way that was both financially responsible and more importantly done in a way that was honoring to life and its Creator?

i went back to the doctor a week after my first visit with three notebook pages full of questions. here's what i know:

1. endometriosis is gross...i've decided that anything that has anything to do with lady-business is gross...so if you want to know what it is...google it. :-)
2. there is no cure. it can be treated with medication, but i will be having surgery to remove the adhesions and improve my chances of getting pregnant...regardless of further treatment options, having the adhesions removed will improve even our "old-fashioned" attempts at getting pregnant.
3. after surgery, the doctor will be able to tell me if there's damage and how extensive it is/how it will affect treatment options.
4. it is best to try and get pregnant as soon as possible after surgery because endometriosis comes back. oddly enough, pregnancy is known to relieve the symptoms of endometriosis...the medications used to treat endometriosis contain the hormones found in your body when pregnant.
4. IUI may still be an option, but it only has a 30% chance of working...which IS way better than the less than 1% chance we have now.
5. IVF will probably be the best treatment option...with my problems and with matt's problems...it is more likely to work...a 50% chance of working. (to put the percentages in perspective, a normal, healthy, fertile couple have a 25% chance of conceiving per cycle.)
6. IVF can be done in many ways and it's really up to us. in a typical IVF cycle, 12 eggs are retrieved. of the 12, usually 9 are mature and usuable. the 9 go into an incubator and are checked later. of the 9, 6 are usually good for fertilization. of the 6 that are fertilized, usually 3 end up developing to the embryo stage. (some that are fertilized are "duds"...egg and sperm meet, but nothing happens...no growth.) it is then up to us...to implant all three or implant 1 or 2 and freeze the rest. the frozen embryos are good for...the record right now is 13 years. matt and i can limit the number fertilized...even if they have 6 good eggs, we can choose to have just a certain number fertilized and implanted.

so now, we're wondering...what is God doing? what are we doing? is God saying "no"? are we just not taking His "no"...pushing our plan/agenda until we get what we want? do we go ahead and keep at it...trying until we just can't try anymore? or do we let it go now and look at other options?

my surgery will be scheduled sometime in july. it's a bit more complicated than the last surgery i had. they'll go through my belly button with a scope and then make another incision for the laser they'll use to remove the adhesions. it's an outpatient procedure, so thank you God, i won't have to stay overnight. recovery time is just a few days. after surgery, the doctor will have a better idea of his recommendation for treatment.

we would really appreciate your prayers...pray for wisdom...pray for trust...pray for a total and complete relinquishment of control on our part.

"we know, God, that mere mortals can't run their own lives, that men and women don't have what it takes to take charge of life. so, correct us, God, as you see best."