Tuesday, September 16, 2008

the long and winding road...

i've decided to blog about our IVF journey...all in one post...and post after it's all said and done...for many reasons...but mostly because i'm afraid it's not going to work...and i know i won't want to talk about it if it doesn't...

i was walking around target the other day...my favorite place on earth...and as i've made my way through the barren land of infertility...also one of the hardest places to go at times...because there's always a new mom with a baby in her cart (i've always wanted to be the new mom with a baby in her cart!!!)...and there's always really cute maternity clothes mixed in with the regular women's clearance clothes (makes me so mad when i find a cute top that turns out to be maternity.)...and forget about walking by/through the baby section of the store...many tears...embarrassing tears have flowed as i've shopped for other people's babies. so i decided to do what i've forbidden myself to do...i bought baby clothes...for MY babies. clothes and blankets and pacifiers...can't believe i did it...haven't ever allowed myself to be that confident i'll get pregnant. i've hung it all in the extra bedroom and every time i pass and see the clothes...for MY babies...it makes me so happy...and even a little bit hopeful.

october 1, 2008

we had our final IVF consultation/shot training...and they want us to start...FRIDAY!!! it's wednesday...i'm freaking out!!! a big box of drugs and needles is on its way to me as i write...trying not to think about it...

october 2, 2008

the big box of drugs and needles arrived today...i opened the box and tried to make sense of all of the bottles and needles and very promptly LOST it...and i can't even blame my total freak out on hormones because i haven't even started taking them yet!!! i left my IVF nurse a tearful message...and she very sweetly called me back...she talked me off the ledge and i think i'm okay now. first shot tomorrow...LORD help!!!

october 3, 2008

6:00 a.m. shot #1...my hands were shaking so badly i couldn't draw up the necessary dosage of medicine...so matt had to...after several starts and stops, i finally managed to stab myself and surprise of all surprises...it DIDN'T hurt! God is SOOO good!!!

october 4-12, 2008

6:00 a.m. shots 2-10...not bad...i usually find a spot that doesn't hurt. but, as i've tried to explain to matt, my fear of needles has nothing to do with pain...it's a needle in my body and it shouldn't be there! tomorrow, blood work and an ultrasound.

october 13, 2008

doctor's appointment this morning indicated that i have two small cysts on my ovaries...from the meds...shouldn't affect my ability to keep going with this cycle.

doctor's call this afternoon told me that i'm ready to start taking the stimulation drugs...scary! now, i can look forward to two shots everyday. it's all worth it...

october 13-18, 2008

ovaries stimulated...very uncomfortable process.

october 18-19, 2008

ultrasounds and blood work every monring...my ovaries appear to be OVER-stimulated...might be a problem...God PLEASE! that's about all the prayer i can manage...

october 19, 2008

best news ever...even though over-stimulated...our cycle will not be canceled. i'm supposed to take the "trigger" shot...the one that makes me ovulate. retrieval on the 21st.

october 21, 2008

retrieval this morning...a bit ouchy, but not bad...they took 20...TWENTY...eggs...so it's no wonder i was so uncomfortable. with such a wide selection, hope they find several that can be used.

october 21-25, 2008

waiting...waiting...waiting...and shots, shots, shots...ones that i can't give myself...katie shows matt how to do the first one...and he's responsible for the next two...then she'll be back to give the final two. they're "heiny" shots...and the needle is SCAR-Y!!! but, again, SURPRISINGLY, they really don't hurt all that bad...

october 26, 2008

transfer day...two little babies put in...and we're praying they'll decide to stay awhile...

29 shots and many mood swings/tears later...we're finished with this cycle...and now we wait...

november 7, 2008

blood pregnancy test...numbers came back low...19...should be 100 or more...not good news. i'm pregnant, but i'm already assuming that it won't last.

november 9, 2008

blood pregnancy test...5.4...i've lost the pregnancy...there are no words.

your prayers...your love...thank you, thank you, thank you!