words, words, words

taken from jennifer saake's book hannah's heart...best book i've read for coping with infertility...not the book by the happy-crack woman, by the way:

1. don't start a conversation with, "do you have children?" while innocent enough, such questions remind me of my less-than-ideal life circumstance. instead try, "tell me a little bit about yourself."
2. if you become pregnant, please consider how you tell me. i would like to work out my grief privately before joining you in your joy.
3. please don't give my husband a hard time by making jokes about "shooting blanks". infertility is a very private matter that can be highly embarrassing.
4. please don't tease us as a couple with comments like, "don't you two know how babies are made?" or, "it must be fun trying." yes, we do know how babies are made. and no, after a long period of "trying" we are probably very frustrated with "trying"...it's more stressful than fun.
5. "relaxing" and adoption are not cures for infertility.
6. please do not tell me that you just "know" that God will give us a baby unless you've had a definite revelation from God on the matter. the hard truth is that we may never have a child of our own.
7. children are a blessing from the Lord, but please don't make me feel cursed because i am unable to conceive.

a few of my own to add:
1. please don't complain about your children or tell me that i can have one or two of yours...first of all, you should be thanking God hourly/minutely for the children you have been blessed to have...and second, you don't really mean it. i know you love your children and that parenthood is exhausting-mentally, spiritually, physically. you have no idea what i would give to have your exhaustion, your struggles. if you have to complain, complain to a fellow parent...i'm just not a sympathetic audience.
2. do not tell me how easily you get pregnant...it's just annoying and seems very insensitive.
3. do not be surprised if i react strongly when i hear you're terminating your own fertility...on purpose. again, i'm not a sympathetic audience.
4. understand that on the subject of children...having them, raising them...i really have nothing to add to the conversation...and such conversations are particularly uncomfortable. i want to hear about your kids, but i also want to hear about you. it's a very isolating feeling...feeling like i have nothing to talk about with the people i consider closest to me...feeling like we have nothing in common anymore.

matt told me the other day that if i don't share with others what is hurtful...how will they know? i try to keep the following thought in my mind always: when you're in an emotionally painful situation, people say a lot of stupid things...all in the name of trying to be helpful or encouraging. many times, they fail MISERABLY...without even knowing it, they've made the wound a bit deeper. people just want to say the right thing...the thing that will make it all better, the thing that will ease your pain. so when the say the wrong thing, remember, they MEANT to say the right thing.