faker-fraud and happy-crack

i told a friend recently that i couldn't have a blog because i didn't have children to blog about and who wants to hear about me and the husband and the dog??? bitter and ungrateful much? shame, shame, shame on me!!!

i also told this friend that i'd probably be too honest...but what's wrong with that??? truth is good, right? it sets you free...it also exposes you for the faker-fraud that you might be if the light of truth were to shine on your heart...even for just a second.

what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would sound like a bitter, ungrateful person...writing about what i really think and how i really feel. what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would expose myself...as bitter, ungrateful...weak...then everyone would know...and i'd be a bad christian...then would come the judgment, the chastisement. paranoid much???

most of you know that we've been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. obviously...unsuccessfully. thus the bitterness...and discontented, ungrateful spirit. add a little bit of jealousy/envy and anger and you have the truth...the whole truth and nothing but the truth. ugly-hearted much???

here's the good news...as hard as it has all been, i honestly would not change the past two years of my life...well, i would change how i've handled my emotions and reacted to my circumstances...but other than that... God is good. (period) He's brought this pain into my life for a reason...because He loves me. hard to wrap my mind around sometimes, but it's true nonetheless.

i love lists. my sister makes fun of me because i carry around a notebook almost at all times to "take notes" in...so, here's a list...not-at-all comprehensive...of what i've been learning/God's been showing me:

1. God does not owe me an explanation...i am not guaranteed a reason why.
2. God is good...He's still good even if i never get what i've been praying for.
3. i am not in control...even though i've tried to be...
4. God will do anything to get my attention...it would have been better to pay attention the first time i sensed He was after my heart.
5. God is big enough...He's big enough for my grief, He's big enough for my questions...He can handle all of it...and i don't have to handle it all on my own...when i am weak, He's strong...He's bigger than enough.
6. i am already INCREDIBLY blessed...i have ALL that i need...so, i will...or more honestly...i should be content.

and this is what i pray almost constantly:
1. that i would accept God's plan and trust that His plan is better than my own...so hard for my small mind to imagine...His plan is better?! DUH!!!
2. that i would choose contentment over jealousy/envy, bitterness, and anger.
3. that God and His plan would be more important to me than getting what i want.
4. that God would be praised...that i would continually offer my sacrifice of praise to Him.

i could quote a thousand verses that have brought me to where i am...but i'd basically be quoting...well, too much for me to regurgitate in a blog entry. just read your bible...it's all in there.

from a Max Lucado book...no idea which one:

"What if God says no? What if the request is delayed or even denied? If God says, 'I've given you My grace, and that is enough,' will you be content? Content. That's the word. A state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than He already has."

my youth pastor used to ask us that question...more or less. i couldn't answer it then...and i cannot answer it now without a lump forming in my throat. i wanna say, "yes, i'll be content." and i do say that i'll be content...i choose to be content. hopefully, one day, my heart will follow the dictate of my mouth...and i'll really FEEL content.

i read a book several weeks ago in which a woman called infertility a "blessing". my first thought: what kind of happy-crack is she smoking??? infertility is the most painful thing...EVER!!! a blessing??? she's just given me the fake, standard, happy-christian platitude that annoys me to no end.

but then...i already see all we've been through so far as good...i wouldn't change the past two years...i consider them a blessing because they've changed my life...in a good way. so, maybe she's right...maybe infertility is a blessing...to be determined...later...