i must say...we have a better story than they do...
katie...determined to see the top...
beautiful, gorgeous, wish you were here...
dad and his boy...
A few days in Chichicastenango, Guatemala
5 months ago
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
i (heart) minnesota...part 3
down, but not defeated...we tried again the next day...successfully, i might add...we didn't find the path...we just bush-whacked our way up and arrived at the top...to find a nice group of men who had taken a nice leisurely walk up to the top of the bluffs...on the PATH that we, again, had failed to find. they commented, "we heard you coming up the side and wondered how in the world you were doing it." we decided to follow the men down the bluffs...on the path...
i (heart) minnesota...part 2
we spent our first day trying to climb the bluffs seen in the picture below. we'd climbed the bluffs before...matthew and i as kids, dad and mom-who knows how many times, even katie--mom was pregnant with her on one of her journeys up the bluff-side...and we all had the same memory of it being a fairly easy climb-a nice, gently sloping incline straight to the top.
here's katie anxiously anticipating the views from the top...
the bluffs...our goal: the trees at the very top...
here we are making a hasty retreat back DOWN the bluffs...
before we left the boat dock at the lodge, dad's cousin told us there was a very clear path to the top. after looking for mentioned path for almost two hours and after many falls, scrapes, and branches whacking us in the face, we admitted defeat and made our way back down to our boat.
i (heart) minnesota...part 1
have been trying to post these pictures since sunday...spent a week with my family (minus my husband) up in the boundary waters canoeing area. my dad's cousin owns a lodge and several cabins on clearwater lake. dad goes up each spring to help mike, his cousin, with building projects...this year he built a pier with the help of my brother...they have mad construction skills...
this is the lodge...
this was our cabin... 
a sunset view from the balcony of our cabin...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
the Bible and the blind girl
from hebrews 12:
...don't feel sorry for yourselves. or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? my dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. it's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. he's treating you as dear children. only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. would you prefer an irresponsible God? we respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? while we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. but God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. at the time, discipline isn't much fun. it always feels like it's going against the grain. later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.
from ginny owens...an old favorite:
if you want me to
the pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i'm gonna walk through the valley
if you want me to
cause i'm not who i was
when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
then i will go through the fire
if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'll never go alone
so when the whole world turns against me
and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear you answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and i will go through the valley
if you want me to
...don't feel sorry for yourselves. or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? my dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. it's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. he's treating you as dear children. only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. would you prefer an irresponsible God? we respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? while we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. but God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. at the time, discipline isn't much fun. it always feels like it's going against the grain. later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.
from ginny owens...an old favorite:
if you want me to
the pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i'm gonna walk through the valley
if you want me to
cause i'm not who i was
when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
then i will go through the fire
if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'll never go alone
so when the whole world turns against me
and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear you answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and i will go through the valley
if you want me to
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
words, words, words
taken from jennifer saake's book hannah's heart...best book i've read for coping with infertility...not the book by the happy-crack woman, by the way:
1. don't start a conversation with, "do you have children?" while innocent enough, such questions remind me of my less-than-ideal life circumstance. instead try, "tell me a little bit about yourself."
2. if you become pregnant, please consider how you tell me. i would like to work out my grief privately before joining you in your joy.
3. please don't give my husband a hard time by making jokes about "shooting blanks". infertility is a very private matter that can be highly embarrassing.
4. please don't tease us as a couple with comments like, "don't you two know how babies are made?" or, "it must be fun trying." yes, we do know how babies are made. and no, after a long period of "trying" we are probably very frustrated with "trying"...it's more stressful than fun.
5. "relaxing" and adoption are not cures for infertility.
6. please do not tell me that you just "know" that God will give us a baby unless you've had a definite revelation from God on the matter. the hard truth is that we may never have a child of our own.
7. children are a blessing from the Lord, but please don't make me feel cursed because i am unable to conceive.
a few of my own to add:
1. please don't complain about your children or tell me that i can have one or two of yours...first of all, you should be thanking God hourly/minutely for the children you have been blessed to have...and second, you don't really mean it. i know you love your children and that parenthood is exhausting-mentally, spiritually, physically. you have no idea what i would give to have your exhaustion, your struggles. if you have to complain, complain to a fellow parent...i'm just not a sympathetic audience.
2. do not tell me how easily you get pregnant...it's just annoying and seems very insensitive.
3. do not be surprised if i react strongly when i hear you're terminating your own fertility...on purpose. again, i'm not a sympathetic audience.
4. understand that on the subject of children...having them, raising them...i really have nothing to add to the conversation...and such conversations are particularly uncomfortable. i want to hear about your kids, but i also want to hear about you. it's a very isolating feeling...feeling like i have nothing to talk about with the people i consider closest to me...feeling like we have nothing in common anymore.
matt told me the other day that if i don't share with others what is hurtful...how will they know? i try to keep the following thought in my mind always: when you're in an emotionally painful situation, people say a lot of stupid things...all in the name of trying to be helpful or encouraging. many times, they fail MISERABLY...without even knowing it, they've made the wound a bit deeper. people just want to say the right thing...the thing that will make it all better, the thing that will ease your pain. so when the say the wrong thing, remember, they MEANT to say the right thing.
1. don't start a conversation with, "do you have children?" while innocent enough, such questions remind me of my less-than-ideal life circumstance. instead try, "tell me a little bit about yourself."
2. if you become pregnant, please consider how you tell me. i would like to work out my grief privately before joining you in your joy.
3. please don't give my husband a hard time by making jokes about "shooting blanks". infertility is a very private matter that can be highly embarrassing.
4. please don't tease us as a couple with comments like, "don't you two know how babies are made?" or, "it must be fun trying." yes, we do know how babies are made. and no, after a long period of "trying" we are probably very frustrated with "trying"...it's more stressful than fun.
5. "relaxing" and adoption are not cures for infertility.
6. please do not tell me that you just "know" that God will give us a baby unless you've had a definite revelation from God on the matter. the hard truth is that we may never have a child of our own.
7. children are a blessing from the Lord, but please don't make me feel cursed because i am unable to conceive.
a few of my own to add:
1. please don't complain about your children or tell me that i can have one or two of yours...first of all, you should be thanking God hourly/minutely for the children you have been blessed to have...and second, you don't really mean it. i know you love your children and that parenthood is exhausting-mentally, spiritually, physically. you have no idea what i would give to have your exhaustion, your struggles. if you have to complain, complain to a fellow parent...i'm just not a sympathetic audience.
2. do not tell me how easily you get pregnant...it's just annoying and seems very insensitive.
3. do not be surprised if i react strongly when i hear you're terminating your own fertility...on purpose. again, i'm not a sympathetic audience.
4. understand that on the subject of children...having them, raising them...i really have nothing to add to the conversation...and such conversations are particularly uncomfortable. i want to hear about your kids, but i also want to hear about you. it's a very isolating feeling...feeling like i have nothing to talk about with the people i consider closest to me...feeling like we have nothing in common anymore.
matt told me the other day that if i don't share with others what is hurtful...how will they know? i try to keep the following thought in my mind always: when you're in an emotionally painful situation, people say a lot of stupid things...all in the name of trying to be helpful or encouraging. many times, they fail MISERABLY...without even knowing it, they've made the wound a bit deeper. people just want to say the right thing...the thing that will make it all better, the thing that will ease your pain. so when the say the wrong thing, remember, they MEANT to say the right thing.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
faker-fraud and happy-crack
i told a friend recently that i couldn't have a blog because i didn't have children to blog about and who wants to hear about me and the husband and the dog??? bitter and ungrateful much? shame, shame, shame on me!!!
i also told this friend that i'd probably be too honest...but what's wrong with that??? truth is good, right? it sets you free...it also exposes you for the faker-fraud that you might be if the light of truth were to shine on your heart...even for just a second.
what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would sound like a bitter, ungrateful person...writing about what i really think and how i really feel. what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would expose myself...as bitter, ungrateful...weak...then everyone would know...and i'd be a bad christian...then would come the judgment, the chastisement. paranoid much???
most of you know that we've been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. obviously...unsuccessfully. thus the bitterness...and discontented, ungrateful spirit. add a little bit of jealousy/envy and anger and you have the truth...the whole truth and nothing but the truth. ugly-hearted much???
here's the good news...as hard as it has all been, i honestly would not change the past two years of my life...well, i would change how i've handled my emotions and reacted to my circumstances...but other than that... God is good. (period) He's brought this pain into my life for a reason...because He loves me. hard to wrap my mind around sometimes, but it's true nonetheless.
i love lists. my sister makes fun of me because i carry around a notebook almost at all times to "take notes" in...so, here's a list...not-at-all comprehensive...of what i've been learning/God's been showing me:
1. God does not owe me an explanation...i am not guaranteed a reason why.
2. God is good...He's still good even if i never get what i've been praying for.
3. i am not in control...even though i've tried to be...
4. God will do anything to get my attention...it would have been better to pay attention the first time i sensed He was after my heart.
5. God is big enough...He's big enough for my grief, He's big enough for my questions...He can handle all of it...and i don't have to handle it all on my own...when i am weak, He's strong...He's bigger than enough.
6. i am already INCREDIBLY blessed...i have ALL that i need...so, i will...or more honestly...i should be content.
and this is what i pray almost constantly:
1. that i would accept God's plan and trust that His plan is better than my own...so hard for my small mind to imagine...His plan is better?! DUH!!!
2. that i would choose contentment over jealousy/envy, bitterness, and anger.
3. that God and His plan would be more important to me than getting what i want.
4. that God would be praised...that i would continually offer my sacrifice of praise to Him.
i could quote a thousand verses that have brought me to where i am...but i'd basically be quoting...well, too much for me to regurgitate in a blog entry. just read your bible...it's all in there.
from a Max Lucado book...no idea which one:
"What if God says no? What if the request is delayed or even denied? If God says, 'I've given you My grace, and that is enough,' will you be content? Content. That's the word. A state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than He already has."
my youth pastor used to ask us that question...more or less. i couldn't answer it then...and i cannot answer it now without a lump forming in my throat. i wanna say, "yes, i'll be content." and i do say that i'll be content...i choose to be content. hopefully, one day, my heart will follow the dictate of my mouth...and i'll really FEEL content.
i read a book several weeks ago in which a woman called infertility a "blessing". my first thought: what kind of happy-crack is she smoking??? infertility is the most painful thing...EVER!!! a blessing??? she's just given me the fake, standard, happy-christian platitude that annoys me to no end.
but then...i already see all we've been through so far as good...i wouldn't change the past two years...i consider them a blessing because they've changed my life...in a good way. so, maybe she's right...maybe infertility is a blessing...to be determined...later...
i also told this friend that i'd probably be too honest...but what's wrong with that??? truth is good, right? it sets you free...it also exposes you for the faker-fraud that you might be if the light of truth were to shine on your heart...even for just a second.
what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would sound like a bitter, ungrateful person...writing about what i really think and how i really feel. what i really meant when i told my friend i'd be too honest was that i would expose myself...as bitter, ungrateful...weak...then everyone would know...and i'd be a bad christian...then would come the judgment, the chastisement. paranoid much???
most of you know that we've been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. obviously...unsuccessfully. thus the bitterness...and discontented, ungrateful spirit. add a little bit of jealousy/envy and anger and you have the truth...the whole truth and nothing but the truth. ugly-hearted much???
here's the good news...as hard as it has all been, i honestly would not change the past two years of my life...well, i would change how i've handled my emotions and reacted to my circumstances...but other than that... God is good. (period) He's brought this pain into my life for a reason...because He loves me. hard to wrap my mind around sometimes, but it's true nonetheless.
i love lists. my sister makes fun of me because i carry around a notebook almost at all times to "take notes" in...so, here's a list...not-at-all comprehensive...of what i've been learning/God's been showing me:
1. God does not owe me an explanation...i am not guaranteed a reason why.
2. God is good...He's still good even if i never get what i've been praying for.
3. i am not in control...even though i've tried to be...
4. God will do anything to get my attention...it would have been better to pay attention the first time i sensed He was after my heart.
5. God is big enough...He's big enough for my grief, He's big enough for my questions...He can handle all of it...and i don't have to handle it all on my own...when i am weak, He's strong...He's bigger than enough.
6. i am already INCREDIBLY blessed...i have ALL that i need...so, i will...or more honestly...i should be content.
and this is what i pray almost constantly:
1. that i would accept God's plan and trust that His plan is better than my own...so hard for my small mind to imagine...His plan is better?! DUH!!!
2. that i would choose contentment over jealousy/envy, bitterness, and anger.
3. that God and His plan would be more important to me than getting what i want.
4. that God would be praised...that i would continually offer my sacrifice of praise to Him.
i could quote a thousand verses that have brought me to where i am...but i'd basically be quoting...well, too much for me to regurgitate in a blog entry. just read your bible...it's all in there.
from a Max Lucado book...no idea which one:
"What if God says no? What if the request is delayed or even denied? If God says, 'I've given you My grace, and that is enough,' will you be content? Content. That's the word. A state of heart in which you would be at peace if God gave you nothing more than He already has."
my youth pastor used to ask us that question...more or less. i couldn't answer it then...and i cannot answer it now without a lump forming in my throat. i wanna say, "yes, i'll be content." and i do say that i'll be content...i choose to be content. hopefully, one day, my heart will follow the dictate of my mouth...and i'll really FEEL content.
i read a book several weeks ago in which a woman called infertility a "blessing". my first thought: what kind of happy-crack is she smoking??? infertility is the most painful thing...EVER!!! a blessing??? she's just given me the fake, standard, happy-christian platitude that annoys me to no end.
but then...i already see all we've been through so far as good...i wouldn't change the past two years...i consider them a blessing because they've changed my life...in a good way. so, maybe she's right...maybe infertility is a blessing...to be determined...later...
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