the long and winding road...

i've decided to blog about our IVF journey...all in one post...and post after it's all said and done...for many reasons...but mostly because i'm afraid it's not going to work...and i know i won't want to talk about it if it doesn't...

i was walking around target the other day...my favorite place on earth...and as i've made my way through the barren land of infertility...also one of the hardest places to go at times...because there's always a new mom with a baby in her cart (i've always wanted to be the new mom with a baby in her cart!!!)...and there's always really cute maternity clothes mixed in with the regular women's clearance clothes (makes me so mad when i find a cute top that turns out to be maternity.)...and forget about walking by/through the baby section of the store...many tears...embarrassing tears have flowed as i've shopped for other people's babies. so i decided to do what i've forbidden myself to do...i bought baby clothes...for MY babies. clothes and blankets and pacifiers...can't believe i did it...haven't ever allowed myself to be that confident i'll get pregnant. i've hung it all in the extra bedroom and every time i pass and see the clothes...for MY babies...it makes me so happy...and even a little bit hopeful.

october 1, 2008

we had our final IVF consultation/shot training...and they want us to start...FRIDAY!!! it's wednesday...i'm freaking out!!! a big box of drugs and needles is on its way to me as i write...trying not to think about it...

october 2, 2008

the big box of drugs and needles arrived today...i opened the box and tried to make sense of all of the bottles and needles and very promptly LOST it...and i can't even blame my total freak out on hormones because i haven't even started taking them yet!!! i left my IVF nurse a tearful message...and she very sweetly called me back...she talked me off the ledge and i think i'm okay now. first shot tomorrow...LORD help!!!

october 3, 2008

6:00 a.m. shot #1...my hands were shaking so badly i couldn't draw up the necessary dosage of medicine...so matt had to...after several starts and stops, i finally managed to stab myself and surprise of all surprises...it DIDN'T hurt! God is SOOO good!!!

october 4-12, 2008

6:00 a.m. shots 2-10...not bad...i usually find a spot that doesn't hurt. but, as i've tried to explain to matt, my fear of needles has nothing to do with pain...it's a needle in my body and it shouldn't be there! tomorrow, blood work and an ultrasound.

october 13, 2008

doctor's appointment this morning indicated that i have two small cysts on my ovaries...from the meds...shouldn't affect my ability to keep going with this cycle.

doctor's call this afternoon told me that i'm ready to start taking the stimulation drugs...scary! now, i can look forward to two shots everyday. it's all worth it...

october 13-18, 2008

ovaries stimulated...very uncomfortable process.

october 18-19, 2008

ultrasounds and blood work every monring...my ovaries appear to be OVER-stimulated...might be a problem...God PLEASE! that's about all the prayer i can manage...

october 19, 2008

best news ever...even though over-stimulated...our cycle will not be canceled. i'm supposed to take the "trigger" shot...the one that makes me ovulate. retrieval on the 21st.

october 21, 2008

retrieval this morning...a bit ouchy, but not bad...they took 20...TWENTY...eggs...so it's no wonder i was so uncomfortable. with such a wide selection, hope they find several that can be used.

october 21-25, 2008

waiting...waiting...waiting...and shots, shots, shots...ones that i can't give myself...katie shows matt how to do the first one...and he's responsible for the next two...then she'll be back to give the final two. they're "heiny" shots...and the needle is SCAR-Y!!! but, again, SURPRISINGLY, they really don't hurt all that bad...

october 26, 2008

transfer day...two little babies put in...and we're praying they'll decide to stay awhile...

29 shots and many mood swings/tears later...we're finished with this cycle...and now we wait...

november 7, 2008

blood pregnancy test...numbers came back low...19...should be 100 or more...not good news. i'm pregnant, but i'm already assuming that it won't last.

november 9, 2008

blood pregnancy test...5.4...i've lost the pregnancy...there are no words.

your prayers...your love...thank you, thank you, thank you!

it's none of your lady business...

...and you can thank God for that. :-)

i had my surgery on july 31st...so glad that it's off my "to do" list. i was such a big girl...didn't even cry (and embarrass myself) when the nurse put in the IV. she was warned to find a vein and get the ginormous needle in on her first try. and she did...love to nurse karen!!!

as always, once the IV was in i was good to go...knock me out and do what you have to do. i have no clue how long i was out but when i woke up...soooo unpleasant...soooo much pain...and other stuff...won't go into details...and you can thank God for that, too.

they found polyps...a complete surprise...and a level 2 case of endometriosis. the polyps were just beginning to form...again...so he went ahead and took care of them. and level 2 endometriosis...isn't good, but isn't horrible. there are 4 levels...level 4 is the worst...so i guess my case was just a little bit less than bad...what's a word for "a little less than bad"? no idea.

it took about a week until i felt back to normal. still...every once in a while when i move it feels like they sewed my belly button back together wrong...that's a bit concerning...but i'm sure it's fine.

we still have to have lab work and a final IVF consultation...but once all that is finished...??? who knows what will happen?!! i'm trying not to think about it...

which is easier now because i'm working...school starts next monday. i'll be teaching fourth grade in a school that is unlike any other school i've ever taught in. very low achieving students...very high levels of poverty...pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. we had orientation today...and it was the most bizzare experience i've ever had as a teacher. several parents did not speak english, several parents forgot to wear their teeth, several parents didn't come but sent their teenaged children...it was...weird. one parent said, "here's my cell phone number. if he cuts up, you call me because he knows that i'll come to school and beat him in front of the class." my response: "oh, my!" her response to my response: "i'm serious." i believe her. Lord, help me!!!

say hello to my little friend

here's an actual picture of the gecko that lives downstairs. can you see him?

just another bump in the road

jeremiah 10:23

"we know, God, that mere mortals can't run their own lives, that men and women don't have what it takes to take charge of life (or, might i add, create it). so, correct us, God, as you see best."

a few weeks ago, i went to a fertility specialist...to get the IUI process going...to get the doctor's go-ahead to start all of the what-not involved with IUI...the meds, the timing, etc. while there, he asked if he could do an ultrasound...to have a look-see of my lady business...to make sure that i was good to go.

i didn't think he would find anything...i really thought it was just a routine thing he did before starting this particular infertility treatment.

he found something...he found evidence of endometriosis...and i don't mean to be melodramatic...but hearing that word..."ENDOMETRIOSIS"...i was devastated...again...because i knew what it was and i knew what it meant to my chances of having a baby.

the doctor and his nurse tried to reassure me..."you can still get pregnant. IVF is a great treatment option for you. don't give up." that made me cry even harder.

matt and i had just worked through the difficult decision of going ahead with IUI...taking both moral and financial issues into account...we felt like we'd made a good decision...and, as i've shared before, we felt like our decision was confirmed by the fact that we had 100% insurance coverage for the treatment option we'd choosen.

IUI...we had our heads around that treatment option...but IVF? we've agreed from the beginning that it was probably not a treatment option that we'd be willing to try...for moral reasons as well as financial reasons. financial reasons: it's super expensive...even with the great insurance coverages we have...and from the beginning we've agreed that we did not want to go into debt for this. moral reasons: we don't want a bunch of kids on ice...baby-sickles...and we don't want to create life in a way that might not be honoring or might be offensive to the Creator of life.

i left the doctor's office that day feeling as low as i've ever felt. if IVF was our only option...in my mind, it was over...time to give up.

matt and i talked about it that night...decided to pray about it and left it at that for a few days. to my surprise when we talked about it again, matt had decided that he wanted more information about IVF. could it be done in a way that was both financially responsible and more importantly done in a way that was honoring to life and its Creator?

i went back to the doctor a week after my first visit with three notebook pages full of questions. here's what i know:

1. endometriosis is gross...i've decided that anything that has anything to do with lady-business is gross...so if you want to know what it is...google it. :-)
2. there is no cure. it can be treated with medication, but i will be having surgery to remove the adhesions and improve my chances of getting pregnant...regardless of further treatment options, having the adhesions removed will improve even our "old-fashioned" attempts at getting pregnant.
3. after surgery, the doctor will be able to tell me if there's damage and how extensive it is/how it will affect treatment options.
4. it is best to try and get pregnant as soon as possible after surgery because endometriosis comes back. oddly enough, pregnancy is known to relieve the symptoms of endometriosis...the medications used to treat endometriosis contain the hormones found in your body when pregnant.
4. IUI may still be an option, but it only has a 30% chance of working...which IS way better than the less than 1% chance we have now.
5. IVF will probably be the best treatment option...with my problems and with matt's problems...it is more likely to work...a 50% chance of working. (to put the percentages in perspective, a normal, healthy, fertile couple have a 25% chance of conceiving per cycle.)
6. IVF can be done in many ways and it's really up to us. in a typical IVF cycle, 12 eggs are retrieved. of the 12, usually 9 are mature and usuable. the 9 go into an incubator and are checked later. of the 9, 6 are usually good for fertilization. of the 6 that are fertilized, usually 3 end up developing to the embryo stage. (some that are fertilized are "duds"...egg and sperm meet, but nothing happens...no growth.) it is then up to us...to implant all three or implant 1 or 2 and freeze the rest. the frozen embryos are good for...the record right now is 13 years. matt and i can limit the number fertilized...even if they have 6 good eggs, we can choose to have just a certain number fertilized and implanted.

so now, we're wondering...what is God doing? what are we doing? is God saying "no"? are we just not taking His "no"...pushing our plan/agenda until we get what we want? do we go ahead and keep at it...trying until we just can't try anymore? or do we let it go now and look at other options?

my surgery will be scheduled sometime in july. it's a bit more complicated than the last surgery i had. they'll go through my belly button with a scope and then make another incision for the laser they'll use to remove the adhesions. it's an outpatient procedure, so thank you God, i won't have to stay overnight. recovery time is just a few days. after surgery, the doctor will have a better idea of his recommendation for treatment.

we would really appreciate your prayers...pray for wisdom...pray for trust...pray for a total and complete relinquishment of control on our part.

"we know, God, that mere mortals can't run their own lives, that men and women don't have what it takes to take charge of life. so, correct us, God, as you see best."

i (heart) andy pettitte!!!

since we missed yankee spring training, matt decided he better take me to a game to see andy pitch...or hear about it until next year's spring training. good choice, miller!

ANDY PETTITTE!!! even in the outer atmosphere of the stadium...had a pretty good view of the field...he's a lefty, so we also had a pretty good view of his bum, too! :-) matt was thrilled...

classic "andy pettitte before he pitches" stance. an inconsequential note on his heiny: tv makes it look much larger than it really is, but i'm sure he doesn't spend too much time obsessing about such things. NOT that i spent too much time obsessing about it either...just an observation. :-)

i decided at this point to try and get as close as i could to take pictures. went down to field level and asked a nice security officer if i could go down and get a few quick shots...he told me i could between innings...so with his permission i started walking down towards the front rows...UNTIL...a nasty security officer made a "slashing" motion across his throat...GOSH, big fat meany!!! my sin nature told me i should go down two more steps before stopping...i sure showed him! should have brought my camera with better zoom ability...the "close-up" pictures weren't much better...

derek jeter...not a huge fan, but he was up to bat when i was taking close-up pictures.


if i remember correctly, he got a base hit.

HIDEKI MATSUI!!! my second favorite yankee.

a few warm-up pitches...

i accidentally took a classic "baseball player adjusting himself" picture right before this one...decided not to share...how embarrassing, andy!!!

he's about finished...made it to the 8th inning. since matt had to work in the morning and i had to catch a 6:00 am flight, we decided to leave before the game was over and before we could get caught in the hoards of people leaving the stadium.

i was hoping the whole game that someone would see me and just KNOW that i'm a big andy pettitte fan...and then i would get to go down to the dugout and meet him...no such luck! oh well. i've heard he's a christian, so maybe i'll get to meet him in heaven...he'd be way down on my list of people i want to meet in heaven...but he'd definitely make my top 100. :-)

how cool is that?!!

i just blogged a few minutes ago...was noodling around with past blogs...reading some comments that i hadn't noticed before...about a year ago i blogged about a book i had read on infertility...and i noticed one of those comments that i hadn't noticed before...and it was from the author of the book i blogged about. how cool is that?!! she sent "hugs" and wanted me to know that i wasn't alone...how sweet is that?!! i think that's one of the most horrible things about infertility...how alone you feel...because all you see, all you hear about is people getting pregnant...EVERYONE can get pregnant...but me...and you start to feel very defective and very alone in your defectiveness. you forget that there ARE others out there who understand your pain perfectly...who are going through/have gone through exactly what you're going through/you've gone through. we all need to find each other and have lunch. (smiley face here) so, thanks jenni saake...i really appreciate you taking the time to comment on my blog! i recommend your book to everyone struggling with infertility that i meet...it's wonderful!!!

geckos are gucky!!!

i know it's pretty lame that i'm blogging once again about geckos...and that it's laughable that i'm so scared of things that are so small and harmless...BUT...seriously...they're EVERYWHERE and they FREAK me out!!! they have these neck things that go in and out...and they chirp...and someone told me today that they JUMP!!!

i thought i had come to some sort of understanding with the gecko that lives at the bottom of the stairs...when he sees me coming, he runs and hides. but apparently the terrible thunderstorm that blew through last night destroyed his habitat and now he's taken to living on the steps and does not have the good sense to run and hide anymore...i've seen him four times since yesterday...AND he has a girlfriend...well, i'm assuming it's his girlfriend...she's smaller and a different color than he is...i would google it, but i'm just not that interested. whoever she is...she needs to find a new place to live and take her boyfriend with her!!! it's almost to the point of agorophobia...the phobia that won't let you leave your house because you're scared of the outside. i'm ridiculous...i know...

on a completely different subject...

most if not all know that matt and i are trying to get pregnant...we've finally come to the point where we know we're going to have to have help from doctors...something we're still trying to get comfortable with...and i've been praying about it...God, if You're okay with us getting help from doctors i really need some sort of sign/confirmation that it's okay to head in that direction.

most if not all know that i am married to...i cannot think of a nicer way to say this...the cheapest man i've ever met. (insert smiley face here) and cost/money has been one of the biggest considerations/obstacles to us getting help from doctors. last year, i spent some time investigating how much our insurance company would cover for the procedure that doctors are recommending we try. as of last year, the coverage was 80/20...they pay 80, we pay 20...which is wonderful and not the norm...most fertility procedures aren't covered at all.

so, the other day i decided to check again...because we're thinking of moving in the "help from doctors" direction and i wanted to make sure that i understood our insurance coverage amounts. and...BAM...there's my sign/my confirmation from God..."100% of eligible expenses for services rendered in the office". what?!! no 80/20...no deductible...just a co-pay and 100% coverage...i bawled like a baby because my God had given me the sign/confirmation i had asked for...how much does He love me?!! so, as i understand it...because the procedure we're going to try is a procedure performed in a doctor's office...we're covered 100%.

i've been wondering if the coverage amounts really changed from last year...or if i just didn't understand the coverage amounts in the first place...but ya'll, i swear they DID change and that GOD changed them...and it may not seem like a sign/confirmation from God...but i really think it is...i think it's just one more way that God is giving us peace about our decision. i'll take it.

do you kiss your grandkids with that mouth?!

i wake this morning to cackling...the whack of a golf ball...and an old woman stringing out a line of expletives you would not believe. GASP!!! cannot believe what i'm hearing...so i go look...sure enough...it's a group of older women golfing together. apparently, marge was VERY unhappy with where her shot landed...marge is one of the women near the swampy water at the top of the picture. i know cursing should not be funny, but when it's coming out of the mouth of a 75 year old woman...i'll admit it...i laughed so hard that i made lucy nervous and she started barking.

off to the...pig races...

no, i'm not kidding...we actually went to pig races yesterday. it was the funniest thing i've ever seen! these tiny, little pigs raced around this 150 ft. race track to see which one would be the first one to reach the oreo cookie at the end. i guess pigs aren't like dogs...chocolate won't kill them. the picture above features the "paddlin' porkers" about to take a plunge and swim across the pool...onto a ramp...towards the finish line. they didn't just plop into the pool...they dove!!! they took a flying leap and actually dove into the pool...AMAZING!!! the big winners for the day: hillary rod-HAM clint-HAM, arnold swartzen-HOGGER, ba-RACK-O-RIBS obama, and lindsay lo-HAM...too funny!!!

i wanna go home!!!

THERE IS A GECKO IN MY APARTMENT!!! i am FREAKING out!!! as i sit here thinking of ways to trap it and prevent any others from EVER thinking about entering my apartment, my skin is crawling!!!

lucy goes to the door this afternoon...her way of saying she has to potty...i reach for the leash and as i'm about to put it around her neck is see movement...a little brownish-greenish gecko goes for cover in my laundry closet. insert BLOOD-CURDLING scream here. what must the neighbors think?!! side note: i had just put a load of laundry in the washer...no idea how i'm going to get it in the dryer because i am NOT going anywhere near that closet.

but that's not the immediate problem...

guess where the laundry closet is located?!! yep, right by the front door...how the heck am i supposed to get lucy outside before she piddles all over the floor?!!

so after SEVERAL minutes of cowering on the couch...after SEVERAL pitiful and longing looks from lucy...i get brave, put the leash around her neck, and practically drag her out the front door. insert exceptionally LOUD door slam here. note to self: must apologize to neighbors...

i'm outside, lucy does her thing, and thank goodness...i remembered to grab my cell phone...because i really had no intention of going back into the apartment until matt could get home to find it and remove it. i call him and...no surprise here...he finds the story highly amusing and is completely unsympathetic...he says he can't come home until his regular time...he rode into work with a friend...doesn't have a way to get here anyway. i offer to come get him...and he thinks i'm kidding...i really wasn't. his advice: go to walmart and look for gecko traps...

it's 2:30 in the afternoon...matt won't be home until 6:30 or later...so i decide to get brave...AGAIN...throw the front door open, drag lucy across the apartment, and assume the cowering position on the couch. insert ANOTHER exceptionally LOUD door slam here.

that was MANY hours ago...i've been encouraging lucy to "get the gecko"...she brings me her ball.

not only will the laundry not get done, dinner will not be prepared...the kitchen is next to the front door which is next to the laundry closet which is harboring the aforementioned, unwelcomed gecko...i'm prisoner on the couch until matt gets home.

did you know that there are geckos that FLY?!!

what if they crawl on me while i'm sleeping?!!

what if they get in my cupboards?!!

what if they get in the laundry and i wash and dry one?!!

I WANNA GO HOME!!!

almost lakefront property

our view from the back patio...you sorta feel like you're living on a lake...okay, not really...i'm just trying to find something positive about living on the third floor.

there's a golf course directly below the back patio and the golfers are driving lucy crazy...she's obsessed with their every move.

and just to make all of you northerners jealous...it's 80 degrees outside...nothing but blue skies...beautiful, gorgeous, wish you were here!!!

best pumpkin ever

i know that halloween is SOOOO last year...but how cute is she?!!

it's the least i can do...

http://www.freerice.com/

my cousin, cindy, brought this website to my attention. for every vocabulary word definition you get right, this site will donate 20 grains of rice through the United Nations. doesn't sound like much...but...yesterday, over 140 million grains of rice were donated...wonder how many bowls of rice that is... i've personally contributed over 5,000 grains of rice today...it's addicting!!! can't believe all of those greek and latin root words are still in my head...thanks, mrs. stahley (high school english teacher).

upside-down frown

i feel like pouting and complaining, so i guess i should do the opposite and find things to be happy about today.

1. janelle had her baby early this morning...elijah william...SOOO happy for her and SOOO impressed with her 50 hour labor...sorry nelle, i know it's probably not something you're ready to be happy about...the 50 hour labor...but i am seriously impressed and so thankful that you had a safe delivery! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

2. grandpa is going home today...if the snowy roads improve between indianapolis and elkhart...if not today, monday...they don't transport by ambulance on the weekends. he'll go to a rehab facility for a few weeks until he's able to move about without assistance and eat a proper meal...no more pb & j, grandpa. grandpa has been in the hospital since christmas...he had a tumor removed from his pancreas...as well as many other "things". his doctors are considering this surgery very successful at this point...and i am thanking God for SOOO many answered prayers!!!

3. i get to see matt in a week...he's already in FL working on his project. we've been apart for 3 weeks...i miss him...lucy misses him...so ready to be together again!!!

4. my car will be fixed next week...working with an adjuster to get all of the details straightened out...found out they'll provide a rental car while mine's being fixed...PTL!!! while i was in IN, my cousin lisa accidentally backed into the front bumper of my car when leaving to take medicine to her son at school. is it funny or ironic that just the day before this happened i said, "i wish i'd just get the first ding...then maybe i wouldn't worry about something happening to the car anymore"??? thank you God for an answered prayer???

5. when i got home from IN on wednesday, i discovered/remembered that i still had some of my favorite coffee creamer left. it's a flavor that you can only get at christmas...peppermint mocha...YUM!!! the little things...

6. before leaving for IN i decided to pack up for FL...so glad i did that because now i can use this week to tie up loose ends...maybe get a haircut...a pedicure. i can enjoy my final days in my house before being separated from it for more than a year...is it weird that i'm feeling separation anxiety...from a house???

7. i found a teaching job online that starts on march 1...how perfect would that be?!! i sent my resume and a cover letter yesterday and am praying that i'll hear from the principal...soon.

in the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other...ecclesiastes 7:14.

i saw this good movie ONCE...

i watched a movie yesterday that i think i sooo super brilliant. it's called ONCE and the acting is so natural and the writing is so sparse and simple and the music...the music is amazing!!! there's no neked-ness, no sex, no violence...the occasional "f" bomb, but if you can get past that...SUCH a goooood movie!!!

NOTE: not everyone will appreciate this movie...there's a saying in my family, "that's an 'amy' movie." apparently my cinematic taste is questionable. i like to think it's eclectic and open-minded.